I sat down to write tonight and realized that I didn't really know how to put to words what I am feeling. Have you ever felt that? Felt like the feelings were so overwhelming that all you could do was stare at a blank page and imagine it being filled with the words to express the emotions that live inside you? Like a small pebble at the bottom of a riverbed, It rest there deceptively shallow looking. However, when you reach for it you find that it is resting much deeper on the bottom then it had originally seemed. That is where my feelings live tonight. Resting on the bottom of the riverbed just out of reach. Be that as it may they are still there, even if out of reach, taunting me. Teasing me to try and pull them out. How do you slow the waters flow....? I am so tempted to jump in and dive down for this small pebble, but the current is strong and reminds me of my fate, if I should be so bold. Ahhhhh! The frustration sets in. Fear grips you and your faced with a decision. Leave the pebble and turn and walk away or take a deep breath and dive in leaving your fate in the hands of God.
This is healings price. It exerts a price. It is not easy to pull up pebbles that we have thrown into the river. There are some memories and experiences in our lives that we have so deeply pushed down that when we look for them all we see is the deep dark blackness of the waters depths. There is no sign of the pebble for it has found its fate far below the surface. We have left it there with no intention of pulling it back up.
These last few weeks I have chosen to go after the deepest pebble in the waters of my life. And it feels deep. Have you ever held your breath under water and dove down as far as you could? Do you remember how it felt as you were coming back to the surface? You had pushed yourself so far that your chest hurt as you rose to the top. Your heart was racing and you could feel your body temperature rise. As you broke through the waters now placid surface, you inhaled deeply and took in the life that was around you. I feel like I have the pebble in my hand and I am racing for the surface. And everything around me is beginning to remind me that I have had to go deep to get this one. There is no sign of light from this depth. Even the sun hides from these deep waters. Some would say I was foolish for having gone so deep without thinking. But I had a calling. I had a promise on me, the promise of freedom from this painful memory. So I press on with more tenacity then ever before to reach the surface.
It isn't until you have experienced the surface that you can value the work of getting the pebble from below. There is something about that first breath once you break the top of the water. To look at the prize in your hand and realize you did it! You made it to the depths and salvaged that long lost pebble and now here it rest in the palm of your hand. The beautiful exchange.
It never ceases to amaze me how much a painful memory or feeling can so control someone’s life. I say that only as the voice of experience. I avoided my pebble for over 6 years. I wouldn't even approach the waters edge. I completely ignored it. However, one day something changed. Somewhere inside of me deep down a small voice was heard for the first time. It was quiet and faint and is simply whispered; "I wanna be free" It was the one voice in all of my heart that would not go unheard. I avoided it for several months, however, it just began to get louder and louder. It began to cry out in every area of my life. I knew I couldn't fulfill the calling on my life as long as I ignored it. We cannot avoid the injustice we are doing to ourselves by ignoring life’s pains. They will eventually cry out from within us and demand justice. This is exactly what happened within my heart.
The big question on everyone’s mind should be, "Do I have a pebble?" I am going to guess you do and I am going to guess that you can probably think of one right now. However, it is probably not THE one. Unless we have dealt with it already we all have THE one pebble. We like to ignore it by examining other pebbles. We will say something like, "I know my dad hurt me and I need to deal with it." But we avoid the fact that the pain was actually caused by sexual abuse because the painful process of pulling that pebble up seems too overwhelming feeling.
I know there is a quote that has become somewhat cliché, but is still very relevant. A lot of Christians recite it and it goes like this, "He never said it would be easy, just worth it." Sometimes I hate that quote because it has a slightly negative tone to it. However, in this instance it is fitting. Digging up painful memories is not easy but it is so worth it. It doesn't only help you but it removes a layer from your life that is keeping you from moving forward any further with God. Sure we can act like we are amazing Christians. We can preach and put on a good show, but if our infrastructure is weak we will eventually come crashing down. I am often reminded of the people I have affectionately referred to as the worship junkies. You know the people who come to church just for worship and then leave right after. It is usually because they are very good at riding the emotional high, but when it comes to the everyday growing pains of really walking and living for God they cannot stand. Their infrastructure cannot support a real walk with God. They crumble under the pressure to change their lifestyle to be a lifestyle God can inhabit. One where resting on his word and meditating on him are real things you do and not just something you talk about. I hope you understand what I am getting at. I love the Worship junkies just as much as anyone else. But there is a truth here that cannot be avoided. How can we give a clear prophetic word if our delivery system is tainted with Rose-colored glasses? Our pain will taint our interpretation of the word that God has given us; it is why digging up that little pebble is so important.
I am not totally sure how to end this because I obviously haven't gotten to the surface with my own pebble yet. I guess I just want to encourage anyone who is brave enough to jump in to the waters. If you have or are thinking about it, know that it is not too big for God. Know that whatever it is in your life that you have picked up and tossed into the water, it is not to big for the love of God. There is no amount of fear, shame, or mistrust that God cannot handle. He is simply waiting for you to decide to jump in. He is there. He is strength. He is Freedom. So go after it. Go after it like your life depends on it, because it does and the whole world is waiting for you to awaken and walk out your destiny. Waiting for you to rise up and be you and effect change the way you were created to! Bring Freedom to world around you by becoming a free person on the inside. It is an inside job. From the inside everything else flows. Live from the overflow!!!
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