What a beautiful evening...the morning and afternoon were not so much but the evening was amazing. I spent the evening underneath the stars at the lake tonight with a very close friend discussing life and all of it's little oddities. We talked about several things but more importantly it was what we didn't talk about that made the evening so wonderful.
We didn't talk about the difficulties of our day. We didn't talk about the latest Drama that had unfolded. We simply laughed! We laughed because we could, because we knew that no matter how crazy the day was there was a good reason to be happy and enjoy it tonight.
We shared stories and contemplated the stars above the sky. I began to think about my amazing life and everything that God has blessed me with. I asked my friend when the last time they remember sitting under the stars in the black stillness of night and gazed up in awe of what God had created.
I feel like the stars are Gods way of showing off and revealing his greatness to us. There is a whole universe out there that is undiscovered. So vast the human mind cannot even fathom it's depths....and yet we find it difficult to let go of the days latest frustration...We hold on to the smallest detail of life as if everything that follows hangs in the balance. Almost like we think God isn't capable of managing it....yet he holds the stars in his hands....They sparkle for him alone. We see their beauty but only God can truly comprehend their value.
If you get the chance sometime this week stop and look up. Take in the feeling. We are so small when placed against the night sky...However, the great value to God is not what is hung in the sky...but rather, the heart that beats behind the eyes that are viewing it...You!
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
Happy Fathers Day, To the man I never knew.
Happy fathers day. To the man I never knew. God how am I supposed to be a son when I never had a father? How am I supposed to be responsible for my actions when no one ever set an example? It is so frustrating to think about. I am not complaining but I want to share a piece of my heart and maybe try to process through some of what I am feeling on this day when I should be celebrating the Man who taught me to be a Man.
Sometimes I feel so short changed by life. I guess I just need to get it out tonight. As much as there are amazing things in my life there are still others that are very painful and hard to swallow that must be presented as well if I am to ever become a man that God can call his friend.
It is really difficult when you have never had a Dad in your life. Not just some guy who treats you nice or punishes you when you make a mistake. But rather an actual father who is running hard to try and find you. Not the physical you but the you that's deep within. The you that he has purposed it in his life to pull out of you.
Honestly I have no bitterness what so ever towards anyone who has an amazing father. In fact two of my really good friends have some of the most amazing dads I have ever met. I guess I am just bummed out that I missed out on all that a father has to offer. I never had a dad to play catch with me. I never had a dad to sit down and talk to me about honor and respect. I never had a father to love and embrace me or share his weakness with me so that I could see it was ok.
Now at 28 I have decided to figure out what that looks like and it is such a painful process. Somewhere in this I have to find myself. I have to be able to reach down deep within me and pull out the man that my natural father was supposed to pull out of me. How do you do that? Really?
I have toiled with this question for weeks. I am beginning this journey of going deep within myself to find the me that I once knew long ago as a child. Before the drama of my life unfolded and I was robbed of the opportunity to be innocent. Oh Lord how I long for innocence once again. I know it is attainable! I no longer want to hold on to the painful memories that have consumed me for these last few years.
In my attempt to run from them I have only contributed to their weight. I refuse to run any longer from my pain. It does me no good. I only find myself in situations where I wish that I could crawl into a ball and hide. There is so much shame and fear behind everything. I need a release. I need to feel free again!!!! I know that you are working in my life! But there is a mighty current flowing below the calm surface that I have made the decision to unearth. I have no idea how it will turn out or what kind of man I will be when I get there....All I know is that I cannot live the life I have lived any longer and face myself. I know that there is more to the story then just enough to get by.
I guess the biggest problem I am currently faced with isn't the pain of life...but rather the pain of knowing that I have no idea how to be a son? It isn't something that you can learn overnight! For most men it takes several years to nurture and grow their son into a man. Why did I miss all of that God? Was there a purpose? It has been so hard. I feel so inadequate sometimes. Which is hard to admit really! Because I have an amazing life and many people would assume that I am a very confident person. On the outside I am, but under the surface I am terrified that at any moment someone is going to realize my weaknesses and failures and I am going to be forced to pull back.
It is interesting to me as well, because this isn't the kind of thing that I had control over. It wasn't like I was able to pick my parent's. I was placed in a situation and was left to cope. I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that God was there and that he was moving. However, it doesn't make it any easier to embrace the memory of. I guess I am just looking for it all to come together at some point and for God to reveal to me the purpose for my amazing life. As deep as it may sound, I am concisely trying to stay in touch with my subconscious so that I don't miss anything during this season. Some may say I am trying to hard? But really I feel like what is on my life is worth fighting for. I can't imagine going through all this just to fall again. There has to a point in a Mans life where he makes the decision to stand and not be wavered. I feel like this is my stand. God teach me to be a son that you would be proud to call your friend as a Man one day.
I am a Man and my pursuit for God is no limited to my inadequacies. However, the less I have to deal with in the future the more I will have to pour into the things in my life that really need me. I am convinced that it is possible to learn to be a man that is so strong and so honorable that nothing comes against him and his character. To get there is another problem all together. I only know that I have Great hope for my future. I understand that the process is going to be so painful. However, I also have vision and foresight for what is in store for me.
So this is my prayer, "Lord, give me strength to embrace the pain that is eminent as I pursue you and your high calling. Let me learn and be open to every lesson that you have put before me. Let my knowledge increase and let me be as one that is not subject to the worlds system of Intellect, but rather lets me know that you are in control even in my seasons of great pain. Pursue my heart and break down any door that would attempt to keep you out. Let me be fragile and tender to your voice. I will be broken when you call and desperate when I am lacking. Help to remember to always lean on your understanding of my life. I will diligently protect and guard the calling on me and I will work hard to pursue you and keep my heart in your hands."
Amen
This is for every Great Father. Thank you for doing such an amazing Job and for not allowing your sons to go through this season. It is a testament to the great love you have and have had for your sons. Happy Fathers Day!
Sometimes I feel so short changed by life. I guess I just need to get it out tonight. As much as there are amazing things in my life there are still others that are very painful and hard to swallow that must be presented as well if I am to ever become a man that God can call his friend.
It is really difficult when you have never had a Dad in your life. Not just some guy who treats you nice or punishes you when you make a mistake. But rather an actual father who is running hard to try and find you. Not the physical you but the you that's deep within. The you that he has purposed it in his life to pull out of you.
Honestly I have no bitterness what so ever towards anyone who has an amazing father. In fact two of my really good friends have some of the most amazing dads I have ever met. I guess I am just bummed out that I missed out on all that a father has to offer. I never had a dad to play catch with me. I never had a dad to sit down and talk to me about honor and respect. I never had a father to love and embrace me or share his weakness with me so that I could see it was ok.
Now at 28 I have decided to figure out what that looks like and it is such a painful process. Somewhere in this I have to find myself. I have to be able to reach down deep within me and pull out the man that my natural father was supposed to pull out of me. How do you do that? Really?
I have toiled with this question for weeks. I am beginning this journey of going deep within myself to find the me that I once knew long ago as a child. Before the drama of my life unfolded and I was robbed of the opportunity to be innocent. Oh Lord how I long for innocence once again. I know it is attainable! I no longer want to hold on to the painful memories that have consumed me for these last few years.
In my attempt to run from them I have only contributed to their weight. I refuse to run any longer from my pain. It does me no good. I only find myself in situations where I wish that I could crawl into a ball and hide. There is so much shame and fear behind everything. I need a release. I need to feel free again!!!! I know that you are working in my life! But there is a mighty current flowing below the calm surface that I have made the decision to unearth. I have no idea how it will turn out or what kind of man I will be when I get there....All I know is that I cannot live the life I have lived any longer and face myself. I know that there is more to the story then just enough to get by.
I guess the biggest problem I am currently faced with isn't the pain of life...but rather the pain of knowing that I have no idea how to be a son? It isn't something that you can learn overnight! For most men it takes several years to nurture and grow their son into a man. Why did I miss all of that God? Was there a purpose? It has been so hard. I feel so inadequate sometimes. Which is hard to admit really! Because I have an amazing life and many people would assume that I am a very confident person. On the outside I am, but under the surface I am terrified that at any moment someone is going to realize my weaknesses and failures and I am going to be forced to pull back.
It is interesting to me as well, because this isn't the kind of thing that I had control over. It wasn't like I was able to pick my parent's. I was placed in a situation and was left to cope. I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that God was there and that he was moving. However, it doesn't make it any easier to embrace the memory of. I guess I am just looking for it all to come together at some point and for God to reveal to me the purpose for my amazing life. As deep as it may sound, I am concisely trying to stay in touch with my subconscious so that I don't miss anything during this season. Some may say I am trying to hard? But really I feel like what is on my life is worth fighting for. I can't imagine going through all this just to fall again. There has to a point in a Mans life where he makes the decision to stand and not be wavered. I feel like this is my stand. God teach me to be a son that you would be proud to call your friend as a Man one day.
I am a Man and my pursuit for God is no limited to my inadequacies. However, the less I have to deal with in the future the more I will have to pour into the things in my life that really need me. I am convinced that it is possible to learn to be a man that is so strong and so honorable that nothing comes against him and his character. To get there is another problem all together. I only know that I have Great hope for my future. I understand that the process is going to be so painful. However, I also have vision and foresight for what is in store for me.
So this is my prayer, "Lord, give me strength to embrace the pain that is eminent as I pursue you and your high calling. Let me learn and be open to every lesson that you have put before me. Let my knowledge increase and let me be as one that is not subject to the worlds system of Intellect, but rather lets me know that you are in control even in my seasons of great pain. Pursue my heart and break down any door that would attempt to keep you out. Let me be fragile and tender to your voice. I will be broken when you call and desperate when I am lacking. Help to remember to always lean on your understanding of my life. I will diligently protect and guard the calling on me and I will work hard to pursue you and keep my heart in your hands."
Amen
This is for every Great Father. Thank you for doing such an amazing Job and for not allowing your sons to go through this season. It is a testament to the great love you have and have had for your sons. Happy Fathers Day!
Saturday, June 20, 2009
House Of Cards
It's funny how we can find ourselves sometimes just floating along through life. Building our future like a stack of cards. Placing one card delicately on top of the other. Baby stepping our way to something that seems strong and beautiful. However, when the slightest wind blows we find ourselves rebuilding... Somewhere we have to decide to do something different. Get away from the same rebuilding process that we have used for so long. For some it is simply pushing everything down. Others its giving the impression that they are processing.
There has to be a place where we stand bare and naked before God and allow him to show us what he see's within us. It isn't like he is examining us...he already knows every detail of our situation. We have hid nothing from his loving eyes. What we really need is for him to reveal to us what he see's. We need to see ourselves for who we really are. I remember the first time I had this realization. It was so difficult to swallow. I remember crying a lot during this time. Many people thought it was because of a season I had gone through...even though that did play a part, the even bigger part was seeing me for me and having to face who I was. I was naturally a really nice guy, I loved and cared deeply about people, and wanted to see them succeed. However, God revealed to me that I had so many areas in my life that I had shut off to him because I had been so deeply wounded by a person or an experience. He showed me all the people I had hurt in an attempt to protect myself and meet my own needs because I didn't believe he could. It was a very painful realization and at the same time so humbling. The next thing I had to do was to trust someone enough to share my pain and hurt with them. Make myself so vulnerable. I had my ups and downs at first. Learning to trust when you have never really trusted anyone is quite the experience.
I had so much work to do. however, What I have come to realize now though, having decided to trust someone and believe they want the best for me, is that I am in the best place I have ever been, in my entire life. I get to see me for the first time. All of me. Not just what I wanna let myself see. It is such an incredible place. It is that place of real freedom. Where you look at yourself for the very first time in all honesty and Go, "I really love me! And I am becoming everything I always hoped and prayed God would make me" You meet yourself for the first time ever. It is only from this place that you could lead anyone else into this great exhance.
It is what I now call the beautiful exchange....I traded all of me for God. It was and is still very painful at times. But I know who I am now. I know my heart. I know what makes it tick and how to keep it strong and accountable to God. I know the mandate on my life and in the secret place I am investing into it now. I know who I am and I can bring the very best part of me to this life with God. Who could ask for anything else? When everything else fades away and your left with just your mind as company? What do you see and what do you want to see?
This last friday Jason spoke at church and he made a comment that I love, He said, "You have to come to a place where the idea of pain doesn't determine your actions." Everyone has a painful place they must examine in their life. Those who truly live choose to exam it, and then there are those who do not. I am not saying life is the painful thing...because it isn't I love my life....but if we don't continually examine our heart and pursue it we will stop growing somewhere along the way and that is the greatest tragedy life can afford...is someone who stops believing they are teachable and have room to grow.
We are responsible for the outcome of our life....
There has to be a place where we stand bare and naked before God and allow him to show us what he see's within us. It isn't like he is examining us...he already knows every detail of our situation. We have hid nothing from his loving eyes. What we really need is for him to reveal to us what he see's. We need to see ourselves for who we really are. I remember the first time I had this realization. It was so difficult to swallow. I remember crying a lot during this time. Many people thought it was because of a season I had gone through...even though that did play a part, the even bigger part was seeing me for me and having to face who I was. I was naturally a really nice guy, I loved and cared deeply about people, and wanted to see them succeed. However, God revealed to me that I had so many areas in my life that I had shut off to him because I had been so deeply wounded by a person or an experience. He showed me all the people I had hurt in an attempt to protect myself and meet my own needs because I didn't believe he could. It was a very painful realization and at the same time so humbling. The next thing I had to do was to trust someone enough to share my pain and hurt with them. Make myself so vulnerable. I had my ups and downs at first. Learning to trust when you have never really trusted anyone is quite the experience.
I had so much work to do. however, What I have come to realize now though, having decided to trust someone and believe they want the best for me, is that I am in the best place I have ever been, in my entire life. I get to see me for the first time. All of me. Not just what I wanna let myself see. It is such an incredible place. It is that place of real freedom. Where you look at yourself for the very first time in all honesty and Go, "I really love me! And I am becoming everything I always hoped and prayed God would make me" You meet yourself for the first time ever. It is only from this place that you could lead anyone else into this great exhance.
It is what I now call the beautiful exchange....I traded all of me for God. It was and is still very painful at times. But I know who I am now. I know my heart. I know what makes it tick and how to keep it strong and accountable to God. I know the mandate on my life and in the secret place I am investing into it now. I know who I am and I can bring the very best part of me to this life with God. Who could ask for anything else? When everything else fades away and your left with just your mind as company? What do you see and what do you want to see?
This last friday Jason spoke at church and he made a comment that I love, He said, "You have to come to a place where the idea of pain doesn't determine your actions." Everyone has a painful place they must examine in their life. Those who truly live choose to exam it, and then there are those who do not. I am not saying life is the painful thing...because it isn't I love my life....but if we don't continually examine our heart and pursue it we will stop growing somewhere along the way and that is the greatest tragedy life can afford...is someone who stops believing they are teachable and have room to grow.
We are responsible for the outcome of our life....
Dont Be Afraid to Work It Out
There is a deep place inside of each of us that is masterful at convincing us that we have worked through the pain that life has dealt us. Somewhere deep within we really believe that our heart has healed. Yet we have done nothing to help it. We have made very little effort and the little effort we have made is met with little success because the pain of digging up the history is overwhelming and forces us to push it back down.
The real hero inside of you is the voice that refuses to let you just push it aside. It is the voice that won't let you tell yourself your over it. When we listen to that still small voice telling us to feel, I believe that is when we have arrived at the most powerful place ever, the place where true change happens.
We have to allow ourselves to feel. Painful memories are rooted deep within us. If we do not take care of the pain at its deepest root it will eventually rise up and grow within us once again. It is usually here that most people deceive themselves. They cut the tree down but never deal with the roots. It is in this place when we choose to deal with our pain and feel, that our true character is revealed and we are proven. God gave me a saying that I live by now because of my own personal walk through pain, it is this, "A Persons character is tested in the secret place, and proven in the light." I love this because it speaks multitudes of where your heart may be in seasons when you are responding instinctualy to the pain in your life, and the character you have developed in the secret place will be reflected in your response to your pain.
Did you get angry and bitter. Did you tell yourself your fine and nothing can touch you because your powerful and strong. It is all a lie. God hungers for you to be tender and vulnerable in seasons where you are suffering great pain. He wants to use those times in your life to develop a level of character within you that can only be found in that season alone. Often times people rob themselves of something amazing that God is trying to do within their heart because they refuse to embrace their pain and work through it. Instead, they push it aside and tell themselves or rather convince themselves they are fine.
The real test of whether you have dealt with the pain is when you are confronted by the very thing that hurt you. Can you embrace it? Are you able to look it in the face and say, " You do not determine how much I love you! and I choose to love" Can you truly forgive. What I mean by this is, can you begin to work to develop a place in your life once again for the thing that caused you pain. Now I am not saying this is a universal standard. Sometimes you must remove the thing that is causing you pain all together because it's not healthy at all for you. But even then it doesn't give you the right to ignore Gods promises. He promises us a whole and healthy heart if we will forgive and totally surrender everything to him.
My view on pain has changed so much in these last 6 months. Somewhere along the way I was hurt so deeply that pain no longer scared me. I wasn't afraid of being hurt anymore. It was the most amazingly free feeling in the world. I didn't arrive there on my own. I had spent several months in counseling. One day my counselor said, "It is only when you can embrace your pain and work through it that you can truly be free, pain only controls us through fear. You have never been in a better place in your life Adam then you are right now. You are very dangerous because you don't have to be afraid of pain anymore." Something happened in that moment. I realized that I was bigger then my circumstance and I started to live in the situation from a different place.
I began to pray and prophesy over the thing that had hurt me. I understood that I would be hurt along the way but I didn't care any longer because I knew there was something so much bigger in store. I was not afraid to confront my circumstances with love...it was the first time in my entire life that I felt like I was in control of my life. I remember shortly after that having a conversation with a dear friend of mine and telling him, "This situation cannot determine how much I love these people" It was as if someone else was speaking through me. I had found the place that God had so desperately been trying to get me to. It was that place where I knew that he was real and he was God and he would always be more then enough for me to trust and believe in with my pain. Not just with my joy but with my PAIN.
He is anxiously waiting to encounter you right where your at. Don't be afraid to feel what you need to feel for God to get in. He is the only one who can truly bring you total freedom. It is scary and will be painful. You will be forced to deal with things that you have never wanted to because they are so painful to you. I remember writing one day in my journal during the peak of my pain and working through it, "The hardest thing about becoming a man that God can call his friend, is realizing how long I was one that he couldn't" It was the most painful revelation in my life. But from that revelation has come the most amazing changes. For one moment in time God allowed me to see me for who I really was....You cannot meet God face to Face and leave unchanged. He will leave his mark on you forever. You just have to let him show you you....and many times that's hardest reality to swallow because being honest means feeling things we have worked hard to avoid. Just let go let God in and let your heart feel. That is the formula. It really is that simple .
The real hero inside of you is the voice that refuses to let you just push it aside. It is the voice that won't let you tell yourself your over it. When we listen to that still small voice telling us to feel, I believe that is when we have arrived at the most powerful place ever, the place where true change happens.
We have to allow ourselves to feel. Painful memories are rooted deep within us. If we do not take care of the pain at its deepest root it will eventually rise up and grow within us once again. It is usually here that most people deceive themselves. They cut the tree down but never deal with the roots. It is in this place when we choose to deal with our pain and feel, that our true character is revealed and we are proven. God gave me a saying that I live by now because of my own personal walk through pain, it is this, "A Persons character is tested in the secret place, and proven in the light." I love this because it speaks multitudes of where your heart may be in seasons when you are responding instinctualy to the pain in your life, and the character you have developed in the secret place will be reflected in your response to your pain.
Did you get angry and bitter. Did you tell yourself your fine and nothing can touch you because your powerful and strong. It is all a lie. God hungers for you to be tender and vulnerable in seasons where you are suffering great pain. He wants to use those times in your life to develop a level of character within you that can only be found in that season alone. Often times people rob themselves of something amazing that God is trying to do within their heart because they refuse to embrace their pain and work through it. Instead, they push it aside and tell themselves or rather convince themselves they are fine.
The real test of whether you have dealt with the pain is when you are confronted by the very thing that hurt you. Can you embrace it? Are you able to look it in the face and say, " You do not determine how much I love you! and I choose to love" Can you truly forgive. What I mean by this is, can you begin to work to develop a place in your life once again for the thing that caused you pain. Now I am not saying this is a universal standard. Sometimes you must remove the thing that is causing you pain all together because it's not healthy at all for you. But even then it doesn't give you the right to ignore Gods promises. He promises us a whole and healthy heart if we will forgive and totally surrender everything to him.
My view on pain has changed so much in these last 6 months. Somewhere along the way I was hurt so deeply that pain no longer scared me. I wasn't afraid of being hurt anymore. It was the most amazingly free feeling in the world. I didn't arrive there on my own. I had spent several months in counseling. One day my counselor said, "It is only when you can embrace your pain and work through it that you can truly be free, pain only controls us through fear. You have never been in a better place in your life Adam then you are right now. You are very dangerous because you don't have to be afraid of pain anymore." Something happened in that moment. I realized that I was bigger then my circumstance and I started to live in the situation from a different place.
I began to pray and prophesy over the thing that had hurt me. I understood that I would be hurt along the way but I didn't care any longer because I knew there was something so much bigger in store. I was not afraid to confront my circumstances with love...it was the first time in my entire life that I felt like I was in control of my life. I remember shortly after that having a conversation with a dear friend of mine and telling him, "This situation cannot determine how much I love these people" It was as if someone else was speaking through me. I had found the place that God had so desperately been trying to get me to. It was that place where I knew that he was real and he was God and he would always be more then enough for me to trust and believe in with my pain. Not just with my joy but with my PAIN.
He is anxiously waiting to encounter you right where your at. Don't be afraid to feel what you need to feel for God to get in. He is the only one who can truly bring you total freedom. It is scary and will be painful. You will be forced to deal with things that you have never wanted to because they are so painful to you. I remember writing one day in my journal during the peak of my pain and working through it, "The hardest thing about becoming a man that God can call his friend, is realizing how long I was one that he couldn't" It was the most painful revelation in my life. But from that revelation has come the most amazing changes. For one moment in time God allowed me to see me for who I really was....You cannot meet God face to Face and leave unchanged. He will leave his mark on you forever. You just have to let him show you you....and many times that's hardest reality to swallow because being honest means feeling things we have worked hard to avoid. Just let go let God in and let your heart feel. That is the formula. It really is that simple .
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