Happy Fathers Day, To the man I never knew.

Happy fathers day. To the man I never knew. God how am I supposed to be a son when I never had a father? How am I supposed to be responsible for my actions when no one ever set an example? It is so frustrating to think about. I am not complaining but I want to share a piece of my heart and maybe try to process through some of what I am feeling on this day when I should be celebrating the Man who taught me to be a Man.

Sometimes I feel so short changed by life. I guess I just need to get it out tonight. As much as there are amazing things in my life there are still others that are very painful and hard to swallow that must be presented as well if I am to ever become a man that God can call his friend.

It is really difficult when you have never had a Dad in your life. Not just some guy who treats you nice or punishes you when you make a mistake. But rather an actual father who is running hard to try and find you. Not the physical you but the you that's deep within. The you that he has purposed it in his life to pull out of you.

Honestly I have no bitterness what so ever towards anyone who has an amazing father. In fact two of my really good friends have some of the most amazing dads I have ever met. I guess I am just bummed out that I missed out on all that a father has to offer. I never had a dad to play catch with me. I never had a dad to sit down and talk to me about honor and respect. I never had a father to love and embrace me or share his weakness with me so that I could see it was ok.

Now at 28 I have decided to figure out what that looks like and it is such a painful process. Somewhere in this I have to find myself. I have to be able to reach down deep within me and pull out the man that my natural father was supposed to pull out of me. How do you do that? Really?
I have toiled with this question for weeks. I am beginning this journey of going deep within myself to find the me that I once knew long ago as a child. Before the drama of my life unfolded and I was robbed of the opportunity to be innocent. Oh Lord how I long for innocence once again. I know it is attainable! I no longer want to hold on to the painful memories that have consumed me for these last few years.

In my attempt to run from them I have only contributed to their weight. I refuse to run any longer from my pain. It does me no good. I only find myself in situations where I wish that I could crawl into a ball and hide. There is so much shame and fear behind everything. I need a release. I need to feel free again!!!! I know that you are working in my life! But there is a mighty current flowing below the calm surface that I have made the decision to unearth. I have no idea how it will turn out or what kind of man I will be when I get there....All I know is that I cannot live the life I have lived any longer and face myself. I know that there is more to the story then just enough to get by.

I guess the biggest problem I am currently faced with isn't the pain of life...but rather the pain of knowing that I have no idea how to be a son? It isn't something that you can learn overnight! For most men it takes several years to nurture and grow their son into a man. Why did I miss all of that God? Was there a purpose? It has been so hard. I feel so inadequate sometimes. Which is hard to admit really! Because I have an amazing life and many people would assume that I am a very confident person. On the outside I am, but under the surface I am terrified that at any moment someone is going to realize my weaknesses and failures and I am going to be forced to pull back.

It is interesting to me as well, because this isn't the kind of thing that I had control over. It wasn't like I was able to pick my parent's. I was placed in a situation and was left to cope. I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that God was there and that he was moving. However, it doesn't make it any easier to embrace the memory of. I guess I am just looking for it all to come together at some point and for God to reveal to me the purpose for my amazing life. As deep as it may sound, I am concisely trying to stay in touch with my subconscious so that I don't miss anything during this season. Some may say I am trying to hard? But really I feel like what is on my life is worth fighting for. I can't imagine going through all this just to fall again. There has to a point in a Mans life where he makes the decision to stand and not be wavered. I feel like this is my stand. God teach me to be a son that you would be proud to call your friend as a Man one day.

I am a Man and my pursuit for God is no limited to my inadequacies. However, the less I have to deal with in the future the more I will have to pour into the things in my life that really need me. I am convinced that it is possible to learn to be a man that is so strong and so honorable that nothing comes against him and his character. To get there is another problem all together. I only know that I have Great hope for my future. I understand that the process is going to be so painful. However, I also have vision and foresight for what is in store for me.

So this is my prayer, "Lord, give me strength to embrace the pain that is eminent as I pursue you and your high calling. Let me learn and be open to every lesson that you have put before me. Let my knowledge increase and let me be as one that is not subject to the worlds system of Intellect, but rather lets me know that you are in control even in my seasons of great pain. Pursue my heart and break down any door that would attempt to keep you out. Let me be fragile and tender to your voice. I will be broken when you call and desperate when I am lacking. Help to remember to always lean on your understanding of my life. I will diligently protect and guard the calling on me and I will work hard to pursue you and keep my heart in your hands."

Amen

This is for every Great Father. Thank you for doing such an amazing Job and for not allowing your sons to go through this season. It is a testament to the great love you have and have had for your sons. Happy Fathers Day!